Down the Green Mile

Days unemployed (1).  Jobs applied for (21).  Company/Job search websites joined (7) Responses(0).

I know you hurtin' and worryin', I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now.

I was terminated today.  Rather, my position was terminated, due to a “Reduction in Force.”  Distinctions like that are important when it comes to unemployment benefits.

I’d been involved in terminating and laying-off employees before so I had a rough idea what to expect. Despite being up late last night working on my various creative projects, I was up and ready for work in no time.  Usually, I’m struggling to drag myself out of bed after hitting the snooze three or four times.  I tend to lollygag in the shower or sit in front of the news, slowly getting dressed.  I rarely make the train I’m aiming for and push the boundaries of punctuality so far that it tends to look more like ytilautcnup.

Not this morning.  Just the one snooze, a quick shower, and got dressed with military efficiency.  All my TRADOC battle buddies should appreciate the facetiousness.  All my civilian readers should feel free to giggle at the commonly used term “battle buddy.”   Battle Buddies: because no one likes to die alone.

I even treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte and Artesian breakfast sandwich.  I rarely buy coffee from those places: I’d rather drink yesterday’s cold thick mud than spend that much on trendy drinks.  But it was a partly a ceremonious gesture of passing to the world of cubicles and regularly scheduled meetings, and mostly just so I’d have something to do while I waited for the tap on the shoulder.

I set up my computer, opened the email account I had cleared out over the weekend, and proceeded to search for a Toastmaster’s Club to join in the interest of professional development.  If you’re not familiar with them, its a non-profit organization where people gather at local chapters to improve their public speaking skills.  I’ve been wanting to join for some time, but didn’t get off work in time to meet up with the nearest club.  I enjoyed my breakfast and I continued to putz around for professional advancement opportunities while the all too familiar death parade began.

I didn’t have to turn from my computer to see the solemn managers and shell-shocked employees ghosting silently up and down the aisles or the flurry of WTF instant messages appearing on screens.  The worst part of mornings like this are that the people whose jobs are perfectly safe don’t know that until the last tappee has been informed and the company meeting occurs.

If I had my druthers, that company meeting would happen first, tappees would be called out at once, brought to a holding area while processing their individual paperwork while the remaining crew is informed given The Company Message.  I can see the potential drama of some scared uncooperative terminal employees, and there may be some legal considerations I’m not aware of, but there’s got to be a better way than the death parade.

I had a pre-tap tap, to go over any last minute nuggets of wisdom I could share about the state of the projects I was leaving behind with my boss.  I was as helpful as I could be, and he took notes on a couple bits, but I hadn’t been back long enough to get my hands to dirty in many projects.  The conversation quickly devolved into pleasantries and prospects.

We moved into the HR room.  I’ve been directly involved in layoffs and firings before, but it’s a lot different from this side of the table.  The HR manager was there with a file and dossier.

For those not well versed in the “file and dossier” interrogation technique which is part of the military’s public training manual that our enemies are free to train to resist and which  received even more publicity with the issuance of the executive order Ensuring Lawful Interrogations:

“The file and dossier approach is a variation of the ‘we know all’ approach. The interrogator prepares a dossier containing all available information concerning the source or his organization. The information is carefully arranged within a file to give the illusion that it contains more data than actually there. The file may be padded with extra paper if necessary. Index tabs with titles such as education, employment, criminal record, military service, and others are particularly effective. It is also effective if the interrogator is reviewing the dossier when the source enters the room and the source is able to read his name on the dossier and sees the numerous topics and supposed extent of the files.”

This arrangement of supervisor and HR manager also lends itself quite well to the Good Cop / Bad Cop or “Mutt and Jeff” technique.

My supervisor started by formalizing what he had previously only been able to speak to in vagueries, telling me that my position was being eliminated due to a reduction in force.  We shared a few pleasantries about regret and positive working relationships, then he left me alone with her.

She detailed exactly what was going into the pay I was receiving and walked me through the numbers live on a spreadsheet. Pretty efficient, I thought, observing the process more than experiencing it. It all looked nice and made sense, but I’ll have to sit down with the numbers (and the wife) tomorrow to see what it all really means to my family.   If this ends up being my last post, please send my wife money instead of flowers.   The HR manager and I exchanged pleasantries, the conversation devolved again, and I left to collect my things.

At my next job, I’m planning on slowly populating my personnel effects with an ashtray, a paddle game, remote control, matches, lamp, personal chair and a magazine so I can go out a la Steve Martin in The Jerk. This time, however, I got back to my desk and my laptop had already been removed from the dock.  (I did leave a “Killjoy was here” on the shared company calendar.  Someone might find that in a couple of months).

I said good bye to some people.  A couple more industrious workers oblivious to the black parade had no idea what I was talking about at first, so I stopped saying goodbyes and sent an email out to the rest when I got home.

Then I packed up my papers, pilfered a note pad and a couple of pens (what’s a writer to do?) and took the train home, and begun the process of filing for unemployment.

Astute readers will notice no progress above in my job search from yesterday.  Give me a break, dude, I just got laid off today.

Despite the constant 0 in my running tally of replies at the top of each post, I am still optimistic and seeking to take every advantage I can.  I’ll be going through the budget tomorrow, so we’ll see how long that optimism lasts.  I was expecting 60-70 percent of my salary in benefits.  That’s almost workable with some thrift and gumption.  Preliminary research looks like I’ll be getting less than half.  Not good.